


For all that which should suffer

by YA-SQ (TsundereLoli_Squid)



Category: Slice of life - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Diary/Journal, Drugs, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26737945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsundereLoli_Squid/pseuds/YA-SQ
Summary: They could never seem to catch a break, can they? Life is hard and sometimes just finding a reason to live is much longer. Every day, you keep trying only to know that it's all for not. The world is cold, uncaring. You feel alone, no one cares about you. Can you really find a way to persevere ?





	For all that which should suffer

Act 1- A couple’s mistake

If one were to describe what type of child I was, it would probably be that mistake. The one the parents didn’t plan for nor didn’t want at the same time. I was just there. My parents never wanted me but kept me around just because. When they found out that my mom was pregnant with me, they seemed excited and got married then and there so that we can be “one happy family”. But, that happiness didn’t seem to last. They didn’t have any family to rely on at all for help. My mom was an orphan most of her life and my dad was disowned by his parents (for reasons that were unknown at that point). Eventually, they started to crack. My parents didn’t have the best mental health and they were already borderline mental but having an annoying child crying at 3 in the morning was too much for them to handle. My dad wanted to put me up for adoption while my mom argued that they should keep me and that she didn’t want me to go through what she went through. Their already strained relationship took a massive hit. My dad would often spend long hours at work or “hanging out with his buddies”. My mom’s depression took a massive hit and she was going crazy. She started smoking again after not having smoked in a year and started drinking often. She would bring home men from work and whatnot and constantly be having fuck parties. My dad eventually also started cheating and spent a lot of time with his new girlfriend. I was often neglected. Eventually, they filed for divorce. My mom got custody of me because my dad didn’t want me. My dad paid my mom $400 a month. My mom would only use the bare minimum to keep me alive and blew the rest on drugs and alcohol. My father was partying and living his life getting high every other night. He ended up moving in with his girlfriend and knocked her up and they ended up getting married. My mom didn’t marry again but made a lot of friends with benefits. The only thing that kept us afloat was the child support that my dad gave us and the money that my mom made working at a bar as a hostess. At the age of 12, my dad ended up dying in a car accident after getting high one night. My mom and I were left with about $50k. This was supposed to be able to last us for a couple of months but due to my mom’s drug addiction most of the cash ended up going away quickly. We ended up moving to a shitty one-bedroom apartment.

Act 2- School. It exists

To me, school used to be a safe place for me to escape the troubles of my everyday life. During kindergarten, I remember always wanting to go to school. I loved to learn new things and I made a lot of friends. At the time my parents were still happy together and always attended my plays and always smiled and told me that they were proud of me. Elementary school was fine. My troubles began during my time at elementary school. I was often scared and couldn’t sleep at night due to my parents yelling at each other. My health was poor as I constantly had to breathe in the smoke from the cigarettes my mom and dad smoked. One time I got thirsty and ended up drinking some alcohol by accident. I was sick for a week. I often found my parents were attending the school events less. I would often get my hopes up for them to come but then have it crushed. They would often come very late to pick me up. So, I decided to just start walking home every day. Every day after school, I would have to walk for about half an hour to get home. I would usually take detours and spend my time in the park. I would often play with this one older gentleman and we would laugh about many things. As my parents’ behaviours got worse, I found myself spending a lot more time in the park often going home at around 8 at night. 

Middle school was where I felt like school changed for me. Back in elementary school, I had many friends but I ended up not being able to see them again as I had to move to a different city since my mom was only able to afford a place there. I remember not being able to start middle school until halfway through the year as I had to cope with the loss of my father and the legal mumbo jumbo going on with inheritance and other stuff like moving and finding a place to move to. I ended up having to say goodbye to the older gentlemen. When I first joined the class, I identified myself as a girl but eventually near the end, I made a full transition to being gender fluid. The kids found it weird and would often try to avoid me. They didn’t understand gender identity that much and some of their parents would even complain to the school. Some parents made their children change schools since they didn’t want their kids to be in the same class as me. Because of this many kids ended up hating me since some of their friends ended up moving away because of me. They would often mock me and insult me. Sometimes they would randomly trip me in the halls or sometimes take my stuff and hide it. I remember once finding my shoes in a trash bin at the back of the school. Many new students who joined were mainly told to avoid me. Since I didn’t have any friends I mainly spent all my time reading books at the library. I was poor and I wasn’t able to connect with my classmates over stuff like television shows, the internet, games, new clothes, etc. I found myself going hungry a lot of the time as I wasn’t able to afford to bring lunches to school. Eventually, I signed up for the free lunch program (it took a while to get my mom to sign it) and I was able to get a good meal every day. I mainly stayed home during important events like the sports festival, cultural festival, class photos, and especially at the end of the year dance. In my last year of middle school, there was a dance that was held. Many students came dressed up in lavish and stylish clothing. I just went to the park and read some books while drinking some tea instead.

When high school started, it was pretty much the same story. I mainly distanced myself and many people kept avoiding me. I mainly wore clothes that had holes in them and often on the tags inside were names of the previous owners (I bought them second hand). My clothes often smelled weird due to the scent of smoke and other stuff in our house sticking to my clothing. My hair was often a mess. I had split ends and I had a severe case of bed head. My hair often looked like I was just noogied hard that morning. I often tried to fix my appearance to try to blend in. I often comb my hair for hours and wash my clothes daily to remove the stench from them. I would usually have to constantly fix my glasses as we couldn’t afford new ones. Sometimes you can see a couple of bruises on my arms here and there and I had lots of hair falling out. In high school, I didn’t have any friends. Many people weren’t aware of my gender fluidity and I often kept it hidden and pretended to be a girl.

Act 3- Gender Fluidity

Gender identity tends to generally be a choice and in the end, it’s up to the individual to figure out what their gender identity is. Some choose to remain the gender given at birth and some would make a transition. For a long time, I often felt like I wasn’t always a girl. But I didn’t feel like someone else was trapped in a girl’s body but more like two different people stuck in a girl’s body. I was never taught anything about gender identity and I always feel awkward saying that I was a girl. But in elementary school, I met him. I would often go to the park because I didn’t want to go home and I ended up meeting an older man who I would often play with. I remember one day flying a homemade kite I made at school and having it get stuck in a tree. He came and climbed up the tree and handed it to me. He was pretty short for a grown man. He was, I think, maybe around 5’2’’ (about 157.48 cm). His hair was pretty long for a man and he had some feminine features. He was interesting. I would often see him fishing in the river next to the park. I would often just throw stones into the river or draw pictures. We became fast friends. He taught me how to fish and often helped me with my homework. We would play together every day. He ended up helping me to forget about my life at home. He would often give me a couple of gifts such as a blue hair clip with a flower on it. Eventually, I learned that he was a trans man. He told me that he was born a girl but he felt like he was a guy trapped in a girl’s body. He made the transition in high school and it took a while for people to accept him. Many people ridiculed him and his parents (who were traditional Christians) ended up disowning him. He told me that he cut those people out of his life and told me that people can be whatever gender they want to be. I remember telling him that I felt like a boy and girl trapped in one body. With his help and guidance, I ended up eventually transitioning to being gender fluid often switching genders whenever I felt like one gender or the other. My parents didn’t care about my gender identity. My mom never really acknowledged me and my dad wasn’t in the picture. Many people in my class found it weird and some kids ended up telling their parents. Some of those parents didn’t like me because of my choice to switch to gender fluidity and transferred their kids to other schools. In turn, some kids ended up hating me because of my gender identity. The only person that was supportive of me was the man in the park. Eventually, I had to say goodbye to him when I moved and I never saw him again. I ended up having to leave my one and only friend

Act 4- Responsibilities 

As my mom often neglected chores and spent a lot of time getting high, drinking, or fucking some random dude, I ended up having to take on many responsibilities at home. The man in the park taught me many things. He shared his food with me and shared many recipes with me. I remember going to his apartment a few times. He and his girlfriend taught me how to do many chores. They taught me how to cook, do laundry, clean, they even taught me stuff like how to budget and some other tips for healthcare. In middle school, I ended up cooking most of the meals. I was mainly the one cleaning the house and I often tried my best to budget the money we had. We didn’t have much money for ingredients and I often found myself going hungry from the lack of food. To keep ourselves afloat I ended up looking for many different odd jobs here and there. At the community centre, I took a course on babysitting and first aid. I got close to many people in the community centre and often offered to babysit their kids for a fee. I would often be able to make about $12 an hour and babysit anywhere from 3 to 5 hours on my free days and holidays. I would sometimes shovel the driveway or mow the lawn and make an extra $10 to $20. I would even sometimes sell cookies at the community centre bake sales. I often used this money to buy ingredients and necessities as well as to help pay the rent.

When I turned 15 I applied to many part-time jobs. I ended up landing a job as a waitress and often worked about 6 hours a day (3 pm to 9 pm). On days that I didn’t have school, I would work 8 hours or more. I rarely worked overtime. I ended up making about $11 an hour. I still babysat on days that I didn’t have any work. I was working to be able to pay that month's rent (which is usually about $400) and the stuff that we needed to survive. I was never able to afford any sort of luxuries. Work was decent. Management was strict and I was fine as long as I didn’t do anything out of line. I got some free food and I learned many new recipes from the chefs. Some coworkers would often mock me sometimes and insult me. There was a manager or two who were complete assholes. Those managers would make work hell and one time tried to frame me for stealing from the cash register. I was found innocent and they were fired. I liked to work and I was learning new things every day. But sometimes stress can get to me.

Act 5- A whole new high I mean low

If I were to give myself a diagnosis, I would say that I was depressed and anxious. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. As a child, I often had trouble sleeping. I was constantly plagued by nightmares. I was never able to ask my parents for comfort as they were busy doing their own thing. Because of this I often had trouble sleeping and nowadays I barely get any sleep. I rarely get any good sleep at night and the best I can muster is about 5 hours a night. I would often wake up covered in sweat. I dreamt of horrible things. I was sad a lot of the time. I often felt down and I often questioned life. I always wondered what point there was to living. I often asked myself why I worked so hard to take care of responsibilities in my household or why I still care about my mom even though she doesn’t care about me. I was always alone and I always felt like no one cared about me. I constantly found myself looking down and avoiding eye contact with people. I would simply shut my eyes and cover my ears and try to forget about life. I would often go to the woods and just cry. I would often try to cry myself to sleep only to find that once I close my eyes, horrible visions come and haunt me. I was stressed out and I was constantly worried about my studies, rent, and my job. I tried to keep myself busy by reading books but sometimes reading didn’t help. One time I decided to do it. 

My mom often got high and she had a large stash of drugs. She often smoked a lot of cigarettes and I believe she had drawers full of heroin. When she was high she looked carefree and she seemed like there was no worry in the world. I wanted to feel like that. I wanted to feel carefree and I wanted to be relaxed so I took some of my mom’s heroin. My first time doing it was tense. I spent a long time psyching myself out but I would constantly second guess myself. I knew the consequences of doing it. I knew that if I wasn’t careful that I would get addicted. But I wanted to try it anyway. And so, I decided to get high. When I did it, it felt……..amazing. I felt like I was floating. All my worries instantly disappeared and I felt relaxed. I was flying in the sky and then I was brought back down to earth. It only lasted 3 hours. Those 3 hours of my life were ones that I can never forget. I ended up giving my mom a bit more money to buy drugs and I would often take a couple for myself. I would do it once in a while when I was stressed out. Those hours of my life being high were amazing. I practiced self-control and made sure not to get addicted to it. I remember questioning why I never did it earlier. What was I afraid of, I thought.

Act 6- Lucky, Lucky

I was not one to like gambling. I never understood the lottery. I always questioned its purpose. One day I decided to give it a try and managed to win myself $200. I already paid off that month’s rent, I had saved up enough for next month’s rent and I had weeks of ingredients at home. I had $200 to buy whatever I wanted but I didn’t know what to buy with it. At work, I ended up being named the employee of the month and got an extra $60 at the end of the week. I ended up selling an old doll that I had laying around (I always had it with me. Don’t know who gave it to me) and I ended up getting offered $356 for it as it was some sort of collector’s item. Now, I had $616 to buy whatever I wanted. I wouldn’t have to worry about rent for the month after next month. I can afford some quality ingredients and treat myself to some good food. I can buy some new clothes. The possibilities were endless. 

At school, I got an award for being the most hardworking student. I received a gift card and I was able to buy myself some books that I owned for once. I got perfect scores on the finals of that term and was ranked in the top 100 nationwide (I was in the top 20). One of my essays got published in some sort of essay competition and I won 5th place and some new school supplies. This was the luckiest I’ve ever been and it was the best week of my life.

Act 7- Message from above

If I were to remember one birthday for the rest of my life, it would be my 16th birthday. It was the day that I found out about music. I was never really into music and I often just listened to whatever cheesy pop song was on the radio. I never really cared much about it and it was something that I overlooked. But that spring at the end of my first year of high school was one to never forget. I had a lot of cash saved up (from lucky lottery tickets, bonuses and just money that I stashed away) and so I decided to go shopping and buy something for myself. I didn’t know what to get. I never was one to care about the clothes I wore and I didn’t need any new school supplies. I remember searching on the internet for what to get but I never knew what would be a good present for myself since I never fully explored any hobbies. I could get books for free at the library and I didn’t write or draw much. I wandered around for a bit and I stumbled upon a music store. There was a section where they had headphones that you can put on to listen to music and I ended up listening to a bunch of songs. Then I stumbled upon this violinist. I searched her up and she was roughly 2 years older than me and recently released some music. I listened to her music and I was shocked. Listening to it I swore that I can feel the emotions that she poured into it. There was a story. A story of struggling to live. One of sadness, hatred, jealousy, and longing. It moved my heart and I wanted to hear it more. I bought a pink cd player and a bunch of her CDs and I would listen to this music constantly. It motivated me to keep pushing through stressful times. The music was amazing. At the same time, I was still injecting myself with heroin but her music helped me to calm down and forget about my heroin cravings a lot of the time. It helped me to sleep at night and it soothed me. Listening to her music was better than getting high. I was updated on her music and I became a big fan of hers.

A few months later, the violinist that I admired passed away due to some sort of illness. I was devastated. It was one of the most depressing times for me. Her music helped me get through tough times and now she was never going to release any new music. But I was grateful for her music and I hope that she’ll be happy in heaven and be able to continue playing her music. One day, it was raining. I was just out walking, getting soaked (my umbrella had some holes in it), and I stumbled upon a bunch of boxes underneath a street lamp next to a bus stop. It looked odd to me as there were a lot of boxes and cardboard there. That was when my world changed. I found it. A violin. It had many scratches on it but it felt like it was calling out to me. On the back was the name “Achlys” etched into the back. From that point, I decided to become a musician.  
“From now on, you and I shall be Achlys. I renounce the name that was given to me at birth and adopt the name of Achlys”. From then on, the violin and I were one. We were Achlys.

I didn’t know much about music. I simply just memorized the basics needed for the test at school. I only knew the basics of the notes and simply just sang in the background with students who couldn’t play instruments. I spent hours each day during my spare time at the library reading books on music. I paid attention in class and I watched a lot of videos of violinists. I listened to the violin music that I always listened to for hours and I accustomed myself to the notes. It was hard. I wasn’t able to find the faults in my playing and it took me a while to get used to the finger and hand movements. I would often practice in the park at night or in the forest. I practiced and practiced. To me, music was a saving grace. It felt like my calling card and I want to express myself through my music.

Act 8- (I)Partners in crime, Midterms and I 

Friends. Never heard of them. The only friends that I had were music, books, drugs, and tests. No one in class acknowledged me and the only times that they ever interacted with me were during group work (although I would end up doing most of the work). People always tend to avoid me and I tend to ignore everyone, including those who want to be my friend. The only person that I ever considered my friend was the man at the park. 

Midterms were happening in two months. Everyone was stressed out. Midterms were very hard and many of the students barely passed or failed them last term. Studying, to me, was something that I enjoyed doing. I loved to learn new things and I was looking forward to midterms being over so that I can focus on my violin playing. Classes went on as normal until we received two new transfer students. They were Muga and Mina.

Muga and Mina were best friends. They’ve been friends since forever. They grew up with each other and were practically inseparable. They complimented each other well. Muga was silent and never really talked much. He communicated mostly through gestures and was like a reliable, older brother figure. Mina was loud and talkative. While Muga barely showed any emotion, Mina was expressive and always said what was on her mind. She constantly butted heads with other people in the class and always said things that didn’t make sense. But at the same time, she was sweet and loveable. She was always there for you and always managed to lift everyone’s spirits. She was like a younger sister figure.

Act 9- (II)Partners in crime, Midterms and I 

Many people found the midterms hard. They were fairly hard, being slightly easier than the finals. Usually, students will get together in study groups and pull all-nighters to cram info into their heads. I always found it relaxing to study in the park or on the school roof. I never expected much those two months leading up to midterms. I was planning to study hard, pass, and practice the violin. It was always stressful whenever the midterms and finals were coming up. I wasn’t feeling well and my breathing was heavy. I might have had one too many doses last night trying to calm down. The world was spinning and my vision was blurry. My stomach was empty.

I found myself in a bed in the nurse’s office. The people I ended up finding were Muga and Mina. They looked worried. Muga was staring at my arm and Mina held a bowl.  
“Here, eat up. You look famished. Have you been eating at all?” Mina handed me the bowl. It was porridge. Slowly, I began to eat it. It was good. It was some of the best food that I’ve ever eaten. I haven’t been eating lately as I’ve passed out after getting high or was too tired after practicing for hours. It must’ve been a week since I’ve eaten something other than stale bread and day-old rice. 

“T-Thank y-you.” My words were slurred. I was only able to muster a simple thank you. My head hurt.

“Get some rest okay?” Mina put a wet towel on my forehead. Muga was reading. They were there looking after me after I passed out. I was sick. I had a fever. The only things that I had in my system before were heroin and a bit of grain. They looked after me for hours. They looked genuinely worried about me.

It was late when we got out of school. I stumbled on my way home and tripped at least twice. My mother was asleep by the time I got home. I was too tired to study so I just called it a night. That night was the first night that I didn’t have nightmares. All that I dreamt of was Mina and Muga. Why did they help me? They were the first people to ever approach me or help me. They were there on the roof the next day. They were studying and when they spotted me they signalled for me to join them. For the next few weeks, I would meet up with them on the roof and study together. We’d often have music playing and I would sometimes play the violin for them. They were smiling and seemed to enjoy having me as company. For the first time, I was having fun. They got me to laugh.

Two months eventually passed by and midterms took place. All three of us passed and were ranked within the top 20 (Mina was 18th, Muga was 12th, and I was 9th). From then on, we’d often hang out at the park or on the roof. We’d study, sing songs, play instruments, and joke around. They were my first ever friends.

Act 10- Starry-eyed

I was dreaming. I had to be. But it all felt so real. She stood there, staring at me. You can see the stars in her eyes. Time stopped. No one was moving. You can see the individual drops of rain staying still in the sky. Her eyes were glowing and slowly the world around me started to crumble.

I was overcome with a sense of fear. I was scared. I needed to come down. I was trembling. I needed it. She looked at me. A cruel smile formed on her face. In her hands was a syringe. I needed it. I was going crazy. I was scared. I wanted to calm down. It was close yet so far. She was smiling at me. She was taunting me. She waved it around eventually tossing it to me. The world fades to black.

Mina and Muga. They were there before me. But they seemed off. Mina was ignoring me. She looked sad. I called out to her but she didn’t answer back. Her back was turned to me. She was covering her ears. Muga was staring off into the distance. His eyes were empty and lifeless. Flames were surrounding him. Slowly the flames consumed him. He didn’t even notice it. His expression never once changed. All of a sudden, he became lifeless. Gone. He was no longer there.

The world changed. This time it was soothing. I was in a garden. It was so relaxing. I felt bliss. It felt good. Eventually, it started to disappear and I found myself desperately trying to maintain that bliss. No matter what I do, it seems to not work. I’m scared. I feel helpless. Somebody help me.

I woke up in a sweat. What was happening? The wind was blowing on my face. The sun wasn’t up yet. I was sitting on a bench. My CD player has stopped playing music. What was that? Who was that girl? What was that in her hands? I’m scared. What was happening to Muga? Why was he on fire? Why was Mina ignoring me? I felt sick to my stomach. I was sweating heavily. I felt light-headed. 

I had that dream almost every night. I felt a chill. Goosebumps covered my arms. I felt like something was going to happen. Something to all of us. I should talk to them about it. But what do I say? My phone rang. As I heard her familiar voice, all my worries disappeared. Have some fun. Yeah. I should try to forget about it.

Act 11- Having fun

If I had to choose a way to end the summer, a festival was definitely at the bottom of the list. I was happy that Mina invited me. I wanted to forget that dream. I had trouble sleeping at night and I wanted to focus on something else. I was so glad that Mina wasn’t ignoring me. Muga seemed alright and he looked like he’s always been. This time I thought I saw some flashes of life in his eyes. 

Our town held a music festival every summer. Many musicians would gather to play songs on a big stage. All over, vendors would sell all sorts of food. Everywhere you went, you can hear the songs that the bands played. You can see many people dancing and singing along. All sorts of people were gathered there; kids and adults can be seen having a fun time, smiling and laughing. It wasn’t a place that I was normally used to. There were so many people that I thought I would get lost. Mina and Muga were always by my side. The music was amazing. It was enjoyable and I found myself singing along with many songs. I was having fun. I always thought that I wouldn’t be able to have fun or had the right to have fun. But, I was glad. At that moment, my worries melted away; all traces of that horrifying dream leaving my mind.

By the end of it, I have completely forgotten about that dream. I never had the chance to bring it up with Muga and Mina. It was already dark out. We decided to chat a bit in the park. Suddenly, Muga started to act weird. He would often zone out and just stare off into the distance. He ended up leaving early and Mina left shortly after. We all decided to gather together later on and think of what to do for the upcoming school festival.

Act 12- Playing my heart out

The school festival. After the summer break, our school would hold an annual festival. Classes would gather together to do something. Some classes have done cafes, haunted houses, and plays. It takes place over the course of three days ending in a talent showcase on the third day. Anyone is allowed to take part in the talent showcase. Many clubs would use it as an opportunity to advertise themselves and many individual students would go and perform by themselves or work with others to put on a performance. I’ve never stuck around for the talent showcase. I was doubtful of my talent. I’ve only been playing the violin for a few months now. I haven’t played in front of anyone. I always practiced in secret. I was only able to play two songs. The school festival was happening in a month and a half. Mina and Muga decided to sign me up.

Without telling me, Muga and Mina decided to sign me up for the talent showcase. They themselves were deciding to play together as well. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t good enough. I simply told them that it was impossible for me to do it. Mina and Muga didn’t stop. For over a week they would constantly follow me around. To the park, to the washroom, even my work; how they found out, I don’t know. Eventually, I gave in and joined them for practice. They signed me up to do a solo. I only had 5 weeks left to practice. I still didn’t have a song to do. Muga decided that I should do an original song and together we came up with the music. It took us two weeks but eventually, we came up with the music. For three weeks straight I practiced nonstop. Every moment I had I used to play the violin and memorize the song. Finally, the big day was upon us.

I could barely sleep a wink the previous night. I was constantly worrying about how I would do today. I tried my best to make myself look presentable. I was near the last few to perform. I would be the 4th act after Muga and Mina’s act. One by one, everyone went. There were many talented acts. Everyone was doing so well. I kept getting nervous as every second passed. There was even another violinist. Eventually, Muga and Mina went on. They did an original song. “Starry sky” was their story. Listening to it I was able to feel all the emotions that they were trying to convey. Two lovers who’ve been with each other since the very beginning. Muga’s piano playing and Mina’s singing. They will always be there for each other. No matter what, they will always find their way to each other; even if they were to get lost among the crowds they would always find each other like being able to spot that certain star in a sky full of them. It was amazing. The audience erupted in applause. 

Have you ever had that experience where time was going by so slowly and all of a sudden it felt like it was going by too fast? After Mina and Muga’s performance, it felt like time was going by so quickly. One by one every act before me was done before I knew it. I was nervous. Eventually, my name was called. Standing there on the stage, barely anyone was paying attention. Many people were amazed by Mina and Muga’s performance that every performance afterwards paled in comparison. Many people were on their phones. Only a few were actually paying attention. I had to pull myself together. With that, I began to play.

“As the flower withers”. It was my own personal piece. It was my chance to get people to know how I truly felt. I told them a story. The story of a single flower. This flower was different from the other flowers in the garden. This flower was that one faulty seed in the package. The gardener watered it every day and made sure to treat the plants properly. Eventually, all the other flowers grew. They grew to be very beautiful and everyone who saw them was simply stunned by their beauty. But that one flower never seemed to grow. It was a very small flower and it wasn’t as beautiful as the others. The gardener tried her best to get it to grow but to no avail. The gardener soon gave up and simply abandoned the flower and moved it to a separate pot. The flower only got water during the rain and barely had any nutrients. It was never able to grow properly into a beautiful flower, like the others. Eventually, a drought came and there was barely any rain. The other flowers were watered daily but the flower never once received a drop of water. The gardener hated the flower. The flower eventually started to wither. It soon consumed all the nutrients in the soil and it withered away. It was simply discarded in the trash. The flower was never given the chance to grow and bloom. It was abandoned and cast aside because it wasn’t like the other flowers. The gardener showered the other flowers with love while the flower didn’t get anything. In the end, it was only seen as disposable trash that had no purpose.

I made many mistakes in my playing. I stumbled on many notes and one can hear the imperfections in my playing. I didn’t care. It was my moment and I’m not going to let anyone stop me. The final note. I messed up even at the end. Everyone in the audience was now staring at me. Not one of them applauded for me. 

Stupid, stupid. I messed up. I messed up my chance to make an impact. I made so many mistakes. I should’ve practiced more. Muga and Mina applauded for me and were happy for me. They said that my playing touched them.

Act 13- An opportunity

The only time that I’ve ever performed in front of anyone other than Mina and Muga was during the talent showcase at the cultural festival. I made so many mistakes and no one seemed to acknowledge my playing. I would never have an opportunity to play in front of others again. Or so I thought.

There was this one man who was in the audience during my playing. He found that my playing was amazing and that he felt the emotions that I was trying to express. He wanted to give me an opportunity to perform in front of others. The winter music festival. I was given another chance. Another opportunity to reach out to others.

Two songs. I was given enough time to play two songs. “As the flower withers” and another piece was set for me. I had two chances to get my emotions across. Mina and Muga were supportive of me and continued to help me practice. Together we came up with another piece. “Empty fortune”. A story of a person and how they desperately try to cling onto something that they hold dear. I was all set to go. I was psyched out. The festival was being held in three months. This was going to be an event that I’ll never forget. Throughout all of it, Mina and Muga were always there for me. They would sit and practice with me and point out any mistakes that I made. Mina would make food for me and we would often joke around and hang out in the park. Mina and Muga were always going above and beyond to help me. I was still unable to fall asleep at times due to my nerves and I found myself spending more time at the park. What has it been? It’s been almost 3 whole months that I’ve been sober. I was making good progress for myself. I was doing well in class and work was decent. I was set to get a promotion next month. Life was going well. If this was a dream, I hope that I never wake up. Watching the sunrise, I could feel a big grin form on my face. I was happy and thankful. If life could remain like this I would be perfectly fine. I don’t need anything else, I just want to keep living like this.

Act 14- The big day

Schedules. I hate them. That week’s work was so hectic and busy. I barely had time to practice. I was stressed out. Eventually, I realized that I had to work on the day of the festival. After all those months of hard work, it would all go to waste. I wouldn’t be able to play. I had to cancel. I had to pass up this opportunity. Mina and Muga are the best. When they learned that I had to work they made sure that I could play. Muga rushed over and managed to convince them to let him cover for me on that day. Mina was going to record my performance and watch it with Muga later on. I was happy. They were the best friends that I could ever ask for. Yosh. I’ll work hard too and do my best.

As each act passed I started to feel more and more worried. Eventually, I’m called onto the stage. The audience is quiet. They’re all staring at me. Slowly, I begin to play. “As the flower withers” goes by without a hitch. I barely made any mistakes, only playing one wrong note near the end. Now it’s time for “empty fortune”. I haven’t practiced it as much as flower withers but I’m confident in my ability. Empty fortune is a tale of someone trying to hold onto something they hold dear. This person has been through a lot and has lost all hope in the world. The only thing that’s keeping them alive is a pendant that their friend gave them all those years ago and the promise that they’ll see each other again in the future. The person is desperately hanging on, trying to get by each day so that they can meet their friend again. But everyday life is getting harder for them and they can’t carry on any longer. A tale of struggling and losing hope. A tale of trying to get through but losing the will to persevere. 

I was breathing heavily. I played my heart out again. This was my time to shine and to express my emotions in front of a larger audience. This time I didn’t make any mistakes. This was my time in the spotlight. This time, the audience cheered for me.

Mina and Muga were constantly watching my performance every single day. They loved it. They said that it was my best performance ever. With their help, I set up a social media account and started posting my songs for all to hear.

Act 15- That same dream

I was scared. I was anxious and worried. My arms were covered in goosebumps. Every single night I have that same dream. I’m scared. What’s happening to me? Why do I keep dreaming that? Why am I thinking those things about Mina and Muga?

Every dream I’ve had since the festival was always the same. She would be standing there, at the top of the steps, staring at me as the sun slowly sets behind her. She would smile at me menacingly and proceed to laugh hysterically. This would then be followed by a vision of Mina and Muga. Mina would always be ignoring me and whenever I would call out for her, she would cover her ears and start shaking her head violently. Muga would always be staring in my direction but not at me. He would always stare far into the distance; his body slowly burning until only ash was left.

I would wake up covered in sweat and I would be shaking in fear. I never had the courage to ask Mina or Muga about it. I didn’t know what it meant but I felt like it had some important meaning to it. Little did I know that it was telling me exactly what was going to happen.

Act 16- Disappear

Mina and Muga stopped hanging out with me. All of a sudden, Muga stopped coming to school. He would come sometimes but eventually, he’d go home after the first period. He barely made it to the lunch period at times. Mina would still hang out with me but she was constantly thinking about something else. She would barely listen to what I say. She would go home early and she would always be staring at the floor when I pass her in the hall. Whenever I’d call them it’d always go straight to voicemail. They would ignore my texts and they would rarely listen to what I say anymore. What was going on?

Posting my music was stressing me out. I would go days at times with little to no sleep just to be able to post my songs on time. Everyone was always expecting me to post once a month (which was what I said in my bio). Many people were understanding if I didn’t post during a certain month but some people would get angry and stop following me. Everyone was expecting me to post better music than the last time every single time I uploaded. I was stressed out. Every time that I posted something that people didn’t like, they would be saying stuff like I was “washed” or “overrated”. I was getting stressed. I eventually started to get high with drugs again.

Eventually, I had a falling out with Muga and Mina. It was just after the final exams of our second year of high school. They found out that I was getting high. Muga has always had his suspicions but decided to say nothing since he wasn’t sure. He eventually noticed the weird spots on my arms and that my hair was falling out more frequently. Muga snapped at me. He got at me and chewed me out. All I could do was just sit there in silence biting my lip. Tears were going down his face. He left the room crying and hasn’t spoken to me since. Mina rushed after him and she hasn’t been to school in a while.

It’s already spring break and I haven’t spoken to Muga and Mina in a long time. Ever since that day, Muga has stopped coming to school. Mina came a few times a week but hasn’t talked to me. One day while I was trying to talk to her on the roof she just slapped me and told me to get out of her face. Now I’ve done it.

Act 17- Falling apart

Things were getting worse for me. There was a new manager that was hired at my job. She was horrible. The owners have recently opened a new location somewhere and were busy focusing on that one. They put their daughter (the new manager) in charge for the next couple of months. She treated us harshly. She seemed to have some sort of problem with me. She would be constantly docking my pay and changing my clock in and clock out dates. Whenever I would challenge her and talk to the owners about it, they would never believe me; many managers have already gone off to other jobs and the ones who remained didn’t give a shit. Many of my other co-workers said that they saw me coming late and one of them broke the security cameras on purpose so that I didn’t have any evidence to support me.

Things were getting worse on social media. Some new “fans” came and started harassing me. They were constantly posting negative comments and raiding my dm’s with toxic messages. It got to the point that I decided to delete my social media. It didn’t work. Mina posted the video of me playing at the music festival to social media a while back and hasn’t deleted it. She has blocked all of her contacts and hasn’t been active. I couldn’t find a way to get her to delete it. I tried to get the social media team to delete it but they didn’t answer back. Someone ended up finding my workplace and got a job there. He would harass me constantly. I was being bullied by everyone. It got so worse that I had to quit. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Act 18- Deaf Ears

My mom was angry at me. I had quit my job and haven’t been working any jobs to earn any money. I would spend my time sulking in the park or getting high to escape the nightmare that is my life. My mom got sick and tired of it. She just took my violin and smashed it to pieces. She cut up many of my CDs and sold off my cd player and other belongings for money which she blew on drugs. Her new boyfriend was a nasty drunk who would constantly belittle me and beat me when he was angry. I barely got any sleep. I avoided going home. I spent most of my time in the park. I took a lot of my mom’s drugs and with the clothes that I had on my back and a plastic bag for the drugs, I ran away from home. 

I was scared and starving. I haven’t been to school in weeks. I managed to get a bit of cash from strangers and was able to survive by rummaging through the trash bins and buying cheap food items at the convenience store. I bought a lottery ticket and got lucky and won $30. I bought a bunch of food and was able to survive for a couple of weeks. It was all stolen. Some older thugs ran into me as I was going back to the park to eat. They beat me and stole all my remaining food and money. I was left there in a bloody mess.

I needed help. I called out to Mina and asked her if I could come over and chat for a bit. She ignored my texts and calls. I was lonely and afraid. Then I received news that scared me. I received a mysterious text from an unknown number that had an image attached to it. It was a picture of Muga. He was dead. He’d hung himself and his body was burned. Mina wasn’t answering my texts and calls. I had nothing left. It was all a dream. It was just a bad dream. I’m going to wake up soon. So, I took all the drugs I had left and injected myself with all of it one after the other. 

The final act- All a dream?

I felt bliss. I was standing in a field of flowers. I wore a pretty summer dress. Muga and Mina were waving to me, telling me to hurry up. My mom and dad were setting up a picnic in the distance; it contained all my favourite foods. There were dumplings, melon bread, and even a cake. It was my 17th birthday. They were singing Happy Birthday. I blew out the candles. I got a new violin from my mom and dad. Mina and Muga brought a piano and a cd player. They played some music and all three of us were playing a song called “Empty fortune”. My mom and dad were laughing. They were singing along with us. We were a happy family.

At school, I was ranked number one in the national rankings for the finals. Everyone was impressed. Everyone was congratulating me. I had a lot of friends. We were all chatting and the teacher had to spend hours trying to get us to pay attention. A few guys and girls confessed to me on the roof later that day. I turned them all down.

It was Valentine’s day. My mom made me a special Valentine-themed lunch. When I opened my locker, hordes of chocolate came falling out. Mina and Muga made me a delicious chocolate cake and we all ate it together on the roof. Many guys and girls gave me chocolate and the popular girl in the class next door confessed her feelings to me. I liked her a lot and I accepted. We started going out. 

It’s the music festival. Mina, Muga, and I were playing an original song. Everyone was excited for our performance. People were chatting among themselves, trying to figure out which song we were playing; they were all fans who loved our music. They’ve been listening to all our new songs as soon as they came out and we even managed to make it to number 25 in the top 50 that month. We played a new, never before heard song. “Flower that blossoms”. It told the tale of a beautiful flower. It started out as the “defective” seed in the package. It took much longer to grow than the other flowers. The gardener wanted to give up but another gardener managed to convince the gardener to continue taking care of the flower. It grew to be the most beautiful flower ever. The gardener was glad that she took care of it and raised it to be such a beautiful flower. I was at peace. My life couldn’t get any better. I didn’t need anything more. If things stayed like this, I’d be fine.

I was laughing hysterically. I lay there underneath the bridge. I was in my usual spot. It was raining. I didn’t have any more drugs. I was coughing. I couldn't breathe. My clothes were all torn and covered in mud and blood. Blood was running down my nose. My vision was blurring. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I could see such a bright light. The sound of thunder, a flash of lightning. The wind was blowing on my face. The river was overflowing and some water spilled onto me. I couldn’t help but laugh. To hell with this world, I thought. I was smiling and shaking. A chill ran down my spine. I wasn’t happy. Tears were streaming down my eyes. I was laughing so hard that I was wheezing. I needed to catch my breath. I needed to get some help. I needed some food to eat. I was laughing so much. I couldn’t stop. I was paralyzed. I couldn't move. My arm was covered in bruises. My arms were broken. I think I broke my leg. My head hurt. I was so light-headed. My vision was blurring. I could see such a bright light. I was laughing hysterically. I couldn’t hear anything. My vision went dark and I continued to laugh. I laughed and laughed until I took a breath. HAHAHAHAHAHAH-. My laughing stopped and all of a sudden I couldn’t feel pain anymore. I felt a burning sensation. My body was on fire. I could see that light. It was getting further and further away. I reached out for it. I was going further and further away from it. I couldn't see it anymore. I was trapped alone. The vast, empty darkness was my only friend.

Autopsy report: Broken bones. Arms were broken. The right arm was bent awkwardly. The left hand had a sprained wrist. Many bruises covered their arms. There was blood all over their body and blood was running down their nose. There were clumps of hair all over. They looked sickly. They were malnourished. They overdosed on heroin. They couldn't breathe. They had a smile on their face. Their eyes were open staring up at something. They were a broken mess, both physically and mentally. They had a big grin on their face. They looked like they were laughing a lot. They looked like they were in bliss. What kind of dream might they have had? It looks like they suffered. Life just couldn’t give them a break.


End file.
